just so you know.

i hope you never have to feel like you aren't good enough anymore. i hope you never ever feel like you aren't smart enough, or funny enough, or don't say the right thing at exactly the right time. i hope you never feel like you aren't tall enough, or tan enough, or talented enough. i hope you never feel like you aren't rich enough, or handsome enough, or nice enough. i hope you never fall asleep scared or lonely or feeling out of place. i hope you never have to feel left out, or like you aren't wanted. from now on, i hope you never feel like i'm not on your side. or like no one's there to encourage you or love you, or be there for you. i hope you never feel like you aren't appreciated or you aren't understood. all those nights that you spent alone with your thoughts of trying to figure out what you did wrong, or what you did to deserve what you were going through, i hope you never feel like that again either. i hope you never feel inadequate or not special enough or just simply not enough. i hope you never try to change who you were made to me, and i hope you never doubt who you are. i hope that you never have to feel like it's all your fault again, or that your good just isn't good enough. i hope that you never sit in class and wonder what you could do differently to look better or be like him. i hope you never ever ever even think that you aren't the first thing i think about when i wake up, and the last thing on my mind when i go to sleep...

i hope you always know that i love you. i love every single thing about you, and i love you exactly the way you are. i loved you yesterday, i love you like crazy today, and if there's one thing i'm sure of, i'll love you tomorrow. and for a long time to come.

and so, for all of those times when you've felt like you just weren't good enough, i hope you know how absolutely perfect i think you really are. i hope you know how much i respect you and look up to you, and how much i love learning from you. i hope you know that you are the most incredible man i've ever met in my life, and, just for the record, that you are more than good enough for me, my love. <3

and, this one is for him.

i love when you tell me it's going to be okay. and i know, i have every ability to think that on my own, but there's just something about you saying it that gets to me. you protect me, and i know that if you're here, everything is going to be okay. you're here for me, and you fight for me, and i can trust you. it's this feeling i've never really felt before. but it reassures me, and comforts me, and calms me down. you, as smart and strong and brave as you are, having such a confidence in me is the best thing in the world. you make me feel like it really is going to be okay, and even if it isn't you'll be right there beside me.

you get this look in your eyes when you're thinking really hard, dwelling on all the possible things that could happen. and i can tell you're thinking about so many things, all the what if's and maybes and could have beens. and then you find me. and the look changes, from a possibility to a reality, and it all feels so real again. and you listen like no one i've ever known, and you hear exactly what i'm trying to say even if my words are a million miles away. and i can't help but feel like the luckiest girl in the world, because all anyone ever wants to feel is exactly what you give me every day.

and sometimes i get scared, because i'm me. but it's okay. because we don't know what tomorrow will bring, but we don't focus on the future because we're sick of losing today. i have your hand. and your love, and committment and promise. and you told me you weren't going anywhere. and i trust you. you're the kind of boy i used to dream about. your loving heart has been the biggest blessing, and so i appreciate today with you. not knowing what tomorrow will bring, but not letting that stand in the way of today. because today i love you. all of you. today you make me laugh, and today i don't want to be anywhere besides in your arms. today you encourage me and strengthen me, and today you're all i could ever ask for. today you're a blessing, and today you remind me of such a selfless love. today when i cry, the way you comfort me is real, and i know that this is right. today i want to scream thank you at the top of my lungs for not giving up. for proving yourself. for not turning your back when it woud have been so much easier. for making me feel like i'm worth the fight. today i need you to know how scary it is to care for you so deeply, but i know it's all for a reason. today i want you to know you never let me down. today i want to be with you for always, because i can't even imagine a reason why that would change. today i want you to be happy, and i want you to know that you are more incredible then your humble heart would ever dare to dream. today i want you to know that i believe in you and i know you can do anything you set your mind too, and today i want you to know i'm not going anywhere. and, not tomorrow either.

and so, my love, here's to today, falling asleep as you whisper softly in my ear "it's going to be okay."

as for tonight, she has no idea what it will take to quiet her heavy heart.
it seems a task to big for anyone, or anything.
and she can't help but wonder when enough will, finally, be just that.

again and again.

and there she was, a lone girl on the hill. surrounded by the rolling green hills and abundance of land, she felt empowered. she had no specific destination in mind, no where to go besides ambiguous places in her mind that can't be traveled to. she wore white, spotless and pure, her long thick hair flowing freely in the wind. she was walking quickly, her feet carrying her across small ponds and underneath the canopy of the tallest trees she'd ever seen. she was here to think. she had been meaning to take some time to simply let her thoughts take over for a day and let herself go, but had been so preoccupied for the past few weeks. yet when she woke up earlier that morning, she knew she couldn't wait any longer. she wasn't really comfortable with who she was, and today that wasn't settling easy. she felt as if she might be straying off course but wasn't even quite sure what that meant.

she stopped walking, all at once, and sat down. she stretched out her legs and let her head hit the ground, perfectly content to stay here forever. she closed her eyes and made herself comfortable, as she knew she had things to do. and so she started to let her mind go, conscious of the fact that was her plan all along. and oh how it went. across opportunities and decisions made, dwelling on her regrets and missed chances for as long as she could until her heart urged her on. she thought about her recent conversations, her actions, her desire to feel needed and loved and her current feeling of despair. she focused on her heart, with its imperfections standing out like sore thumbs in her brain, but she didn't feel like wasting time on that today. instead she found herself reflecting on love lost and gone, and on the current people in her life with whom love was a familiar idea. she thought about the vulnerability that comes with love, the devotion and commitment and power wrapped up in a single word. and then she moved on to her purpose, her reason for being alive and well, and she grew increasingly grateful as time continued. and there she lay, caught up in her own consuming thoughts, content to just be. to dream and hope and remember and plan and dwell.

abruptly, it all seemed to come crashing down around her, but she continued to lay silently, letting her feeble mind carelessly fall to pieces and hit the ground. she was feeling and she was hurting but she began to feel alive. this is life, she thought, real life. emotion infused, hard to understand, day to day life. she was so confused. she felt alone, like even if she had the rest of her life to explain what was going on to her beloved, he wouldn't have had the slightest understanding. this was uniquely her. she rest in that truth. these were her thoughts, her dreams, her hopes, and her deepest fears. she was free to feel as she wanted, for this was who she was. in the very back recesses of her mind were questions and doubts and ideas that no one had ever stumbled upon besides herself. and sprawled across the green grass that afternoon, she found joy in that. that no one, no matter what, would ever know her better than she would know herself. no one could overcome her strength and courage and beauty without a fight.

but she was not done. as her mind continued to wrap itself around all of the defining moments in her life, she rested in the ones that were promised to come. she knew she would be okay. life was meant to be a challenge, but she remained confident that she had been given all she needed to overcome and persevere. she was in love, she confidently decided. she was happy. she was taking things one step at a time, learning to let go and to love and to just be. she was listening to her heart, for once, and she was proud. she didn't know much else for certain, and all of the other questions still crowded her mind. but she was okay with that, she found a sort of serenity in the confusion of it all. she was scared, or terrified, really. she didn't know what was to come and wasn't entirely anxious to find out either. "what will be will be," she said nervously out loud, and she sat up for the first time in hours.

she brushed herself off while making her way to her feet, ready to move on. her mind was heavy, much heavier than her heart, but she knew it was okay. looking out across the seemingly endless fields, she felt thankful and tired and assured and a variety of other feelings that somehow all fit together, unbeknownst to her. she had accomplished what she had set out to do, and although it felt differently then she had expected, she was satisfied.

and so she began to make her journey back home, tucking her hair behind her ear and sticking her hand in her pockets. "oh," she thought, "what a beautiful day."

when all is said and done.

Some things never change. And then, some things do.

after doing a lot of thinking, i've decided that the word temporary is my least favorite word in the whole English language. hands down. it's not like it sounds weird, or has some super ambiguous meaning that doesn't make sense, rather i just hate what that word implies. i don't like that things don't last. i just don't. i invest a lot, and when that time of my life is done and over, i find myself terrified. scared out of my mind, really. and especially relationally. 3 months after our big fight i'll still be thinking about every word, in some weird attempt to not let the past slip away, trying to keep memories alive and present. i don't trust very easily. anyone, really. but especially Jesus. and i think this speaks to that. i don't trust Him to provide. i don't trust that some things happen for a reason, and some things end for a reason. i am quite selfish, and often times i find myself thinking that i could handle the situation so much better. i get comfortable, and i would prefer to stay there. people leaving and changing and life moving along freaks me out. it scares me, tempts me to remain closed off and not reach out, because you never know if that person is going to stick around. i keep telling myself that sometimes certain people come into your life merely to teach you something, and when that lesson is good and taught, they quickly leave to teach someone else. but, how i dwell. and how exhausting this cycle is, vulnerability that always seems to take advantage of you when you least expect it. and so my struggle, it seems, is to accept this. to know that not all good things last, and to know that this too shall pass. and it means being open, allowing the Lord to take control as i wake up each morning. it's confusing really, this idea of letting go in order to stand constant. it's easy to look back and then watch things fall into place, yet it is an entirely different story when it means a decision today. but God is faithful. and He has always only ever been faithful. and, out of His mercy and grace and love, He will continue to always ever be for the rest of time.

so here's to taking chances. here's to knowing that involves risk, and change, and trust, and none of that comes easy. here's to hoping for a brighter tomorrow, but even if it's not, here's to holding on through the storm, listening and understanding and learning. here's to knowing that even the grass withers and the flowers will fade, and our lives will follow the same pattern. here's to learning lessons. tough ones too, but usually the most important. here's to wanting that scar, but understanding that we have to withstand the pain to get there. here's to knowing when to let go, and knowing when to hold on, trusting in His plans and not your own heart. here's to falling asleep crying and waking scared, but knowing that seasons come and seasons go, trusting that spring will alway follow a dark, cold winter. here's to living fully and loving fully, being true to who you are and enjoying that freedom. the shadow proves the sunshine, they say and here's to watching that play out in our own lives. here's to hope and joy and peace, and knowing that even if something won't last it's okay to feel. it's okay to give and love and cherish even if it may be for only a matter of time, for the heart has always proven to be the most resilient of all. here's to knowing that it's okay to believe something so wholeheartedly only to find out you were wrong all along, but being grateful for the journey. here's to knowing that His ways are so above our own. here's to laughing and crying and everything inbetween the two, as well as second chances, and sometimes saying goodbye.

and so here we stand, swallowed up in the reality of this confusion, refusing to let our head always rule over our heart. here's to everything being temporary, and the beauty of it all. ♥

"Forget about what's happened;
don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present.
I'm about to do something brand-new.
It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is!
I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands." Isaiah 43:19

for tonight.

to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. if you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one – not even to an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safely in the casket or the coffin of your selfishness. but, in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, unredeemable. the only place outside heaven where you can be safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.
c.s. lewis.

"i just think it's best cause you can't miss what you forget..."