again and again.

and there she was, a lone girl on the hill. surrounded by the rolling green hills and abundance of land, she felt empowered. she had no specific destination in mind, no where to go besides ambiguous places in her mind that can't be traveled to. she wore white, spotless and pure, her long thick hair flowing freely in the wind. she was walking quickly, her feet carrying her across small ponds and underneath the canopy of the tallest trees she'd ever seen. she was here to think. she had been meaning to take some time to simply let her thoughts take over for a day and let herself go, but had been so preoccupied for the past few weeks. yet when she woke up earlier that morning, she knew she couldn't wait any longer. she wasn't really comfortable with who she was, and today that wasn't settling easy. she felt as if she might be straying off course but wasn't even quite sure what that meant.

she stopped walking, all at once, and sat down. she stretched out her legs and let her head hit the ground, perfectly content to stay here forever. she closed her eyes and made herself comfortable, as she knew she had things to do. and so she started to let her mind go, conscious of the fact that was her plan all along. and oh how it went. across opportunities and decisions made, dwelling on her regrets and missed chances for as long as she could until her heart urged her on. she thought about her recent conversations, her actions, her desire to feel needed and loved and her current feeling of despair. she focused on her heart, with its imperfections standing out like sore thumbs in her brain, but she didn't feel like wasting time on that today. instead she found herself reflecting on love lost and gone, and on the current people in her life with whom love was a familiar idea. she thought about the vulnerability that comes with love, the devotion and commitment and power wrapped up in a single word. and then she moved on to her purpose, her reason for being alive and well, and she grew increasingly grateful as time continued. and there she lay, caught up in her own consuming thoughts, content to just be. to dream and hope and remember and plan and dwell.

abruptly, it all seemed to come crashing down around her, but she continued to lay silently, letting her feeble mind carelessly fall to pieces and hit the ground. she was feeling and she was hurting but she began to feel alive. this is life, she thought, real life. emotion infused, hard to understand, day to day life. she was so confused. she felt alone, like even if she had the rest of her life to explain what was going on to her beloved, he wouldn't have had the slightest understanding. this was uniquely her. she rest in that truth. these were her thoughts, her dreams, her hopes, and her deepest fears. she was free to feel as she wanted, for this was who she was. in the very back recesses of her mind were questions and doubts and ideas that no one had ever stumbled upon besides herself. and sprawled across the green grass that afternoon, she found joy in that. that no one, no matter what, would ever know her better than she would know herself. no one could overcome her strength and courage and beauty without a fight.

but she was not done. as her mind continued to wrap itself around all of the defining moments in her life, she rested in the ones that were promised to come. she knew she would be okay. life was meant to be a challenge, but she remained confident that she had been given all she needed to overcome and persevere. she was in love, she confidently decided. she was happy. she was taking things one step at a time, learning to let go and to love and to just be. she was listening to her heart, for once, and she was proud. she didn't know much else for certain, and all of the other questions still crowded her mind. but she was okay with that, she found a sort of serenity in the confusion of it all. she was scared, or terrified, really. she didn't know what was to come and wasn't entirely anxious to find out either. "what will be will be," she said nervously out loud, and she sat up for the first time in hours.

she brushed herself off while making her way to her feet, ready to move on. her mind was heavy, much heavier than her heart, but she knew it was okay. looking out across the seemingly endless fields, she felt thankful and tired and assured and a variety of other feelings that somehow all fit together, unbeknownst to her. she had accomplished what she had set out to do, and although it felt differently then she had expected, she was satisfied.

and so she began to make her journey back home, tucking her hair behind her ear and sticking her hand in her pockets. "oh," she thought, "what a beautiful day."