for him.

and so she pretended to be fine as she left her room, skipping every other stair on her way down. everything was great. life was going just as planned. she was satisfied and loved and happy and blessed and excited and ready and bold and courageous and prepared. but she knew better. she finally knew, after long conversations in the middle of the night and lessons she had written down in hopes she wouldn't have to learn them again, not to trust anything besides her own heart. she knew better than to trust words and ideas and thoughts when actions came no where close. she wanted, with all her heart, to believe him, but he'd only given her a million reasons not too. time and time again she had stood up for him, she given him another chance, and it had all fallen to pieces.

and he had her down to a science. a sick, sick science at that, nothing someone else could have taught him. she silently walked around her kitchen, her heart screaming inside of her. she wanted to run out of her front door and keep on running forever, but she had knew she had no where to go. she was already at home. she wanted to scream and weep and feel, maybe if her outsides hurt then her insides would willingly oblige. she looked out the window. maybe he had decided to come back. but realistically, she was only fooling herself, and she was well aware of that. she read the computer screen. over and over and over again she had read it. he wouldn't be home for another couple hours. and she knew he had no track of time, he was gone. physcially, and mentally. he would waltz in the door when everyone else had been long asleep to avoid the questions. the interrogating. but more specifically, to avoid her. and so instead, she would lay silently in her bed and listen to him crawl up the stairs, only wanting to run out to him only wanting to talk. they didn't have the best relationship, but she would throw her arms around him if she could. she would look him in the eyes and say "i know." but she knew better. once again, she knew better. her head was finally speaking over her heart.

maybe it was something i said, she thought. or perhaps something i didn't. she was so unsure. unsure of herself. her actions. her thoughts. she wanted to shake him and make him think, she wanted to grab his arms and look him in the eyes and really connect. she wanted to talk to him, tell him she understood. say it was okay. she wanted to tell him that even if everyone else was so desperate to label him with dark, hurtful words, she knew all he needed was to feel accepted. to feel loved and worthy and needed and wanted and pure and just normal. for once. she knew that their looks and whispers alone had set him back, discouraged him for as long as they both could remember. he was only living up to the reputation they created for him. he was the outcast and he was set apart. he was different.

she wished he would never leave again. she knew the world was ruthless and selfish, and his self doubts would only multiply as he walked alone. she was aware of what he needed, and confident he wouldn't find it out there. but he was making his own decisions. he always told her that what didn't kill you would only make you stronger. but right now, both of them were barely clinging to life.

he was just having a little fun and she knew he would get away with it. he always did. he was trustworthy. or so everyone thought. she would fall into bed that night, hoping to hear his car. her parents sleeping soundly, unaware of the decisions their 20 year old son was making. decisions that would alter his future. decision made in a moment that, as they say, would last a lifetime. decisions that shouldn't be made on an empty stomach, cheap pills and hard liquor. decisions that would ultimately destroy, while all he was looking for was some sort of consistency.

she didn't know what to do. and so she sprawled out on the floor, her bed seeming too much of a comfort as he stumbled home in the dark. with one hand in her pocket and the other clutching her heart, she was confused and helpless. and, it seemed, no one else would e v e r e v e n k n o w.